Only in grammar can you be more than perfect.
-William Safire.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5’7”, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
- Woody Allen.
The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good.
- Bertrand Russell.
I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
- Mitch Hedberg.
You can’t just ask customers what they want and then try to give that to them. By the time you get it built, they’ll want something new.
- Steve Jobs.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t.
- Robert Benchley.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I want to see the manager.”
- William S. Burroughs.
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
- Ambrose Bierce.
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - ¡it was a Chinese restaurant!
- Henny Youngman.
Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you.
- Cyril Connolly.
I’ve already told you more than I know.
- Diane Wetzel.
Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.
- Pat Paulsen.
It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
- Steven Wright.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
- Robert Byrne
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- Graffito.